So, today I'm gonna write about something a little closer to home. No pictures, just a big, fat, ramble about something I've been dealing with as of late. I was originally just gonna write this as a journal thing for myself and not post it. But I think it might be good for some of the people that this has affected to read, and for anyone else who is going through the same thing. Not that I'm like all-knowledgeable on this stuff. But whatever- here it is.
I think everybody struggles with self-image, and how we come across to others. Lately I've kind of been in a rut as far as this goes. Which is kind of weird (not really), because I've been feeling better about my self-image with strangers, and at school. I've started to feel more and more comfortable with the style of art that I'm making, and the way I dress, and the way I come across to people at school based on all of those things. I'm starting to feel less self-conscious about my blog & my website, which I used to constantly worry didn't look good or professional, or that all of it was boring. (Who gives a care anywho). I've also started feeling less like I'm in the middle of an identity crisis, and that I'll be coming into my twenties this year with a pretty good idea of who I am, and want to be. So all of that is good, because I don't feel as much pressure, and I'm finding it much easier to post here more frequently and more honestly, and life has just started to feel right.
But all of a sudden, as I started realizing all of that was happening, I started feeling crappy within my group of friends, family, and co-workers. The people I'm closer to. It was like my mind realized I didn't have any anxieties at the moment and had to find one. I didn't realize it was happening, until yesterday, but I'll get to that in a minute. Let me try to describe for you what it's like. Although you probably have had similar things happen to you if you are in fact a person. It started with little things, just feeling like nobody liked my suggestions, or anything I had to say within my group of friends, and then feeling left out (even though I wasn't). I started getting anxious DAYS before I had to hang out with people, and freaking out the whole time, mulling over the situation, and how I could avoid seeing people without making this imagined "bad reputation" I had worse (which, I don't think they did or do have). I felt obligated to hang out with people (probably a good thing, because otherwise I might not have any friends left). But I didn't really tell anyone how I was feeling, and also thinking I was really good at hiding it. Which isn't true at all. I was just super sad all the time, and constantly worrying about the smallest things. It takes up a lot of time. It's been a small part of my life for ages, but it got really bad this past summer up until now.
Yesterday, I was just laying in bed being generally depressed and mulling over an upcoming Christmas party that I had totally lost control of my feelings over. Aj came in, and I tried to start telling him how I felt. He sort of already knew everything just from the bits and pieces I was giving away. And then he sat down with me and we had a really long talk about the facts. And how I'm going to have to work on this before I destroy all of my relationships, not to mention myself. I'm feeling much better today, and even have a little bit of hope for the Christmas season which I had all but lost as of yesterday. I am glad to have had a bit of outside perspective- someone to tell me that I'm not as annoying as I think I am, and that I have valid opinions (even if we don't agree). And that, along with understanding what was happening to me made it a lot easier to avoid when I woke up this morning, and hopefully for the rest of my life.
Aj said something to the affect of - I would be sad if this was happening to one of my friends, and I wouldn't let my friends feel this way without affirming them, and working through it with them, so why would I let myself become this pitiful heap of tears. My goal for the Christmas break, is to be more confident in my interactions with others (especially those I love), and to take on a more optimistic outlook, because apparently my current outlook is kind of depressing and lame. Plus I think life will be a little more fun if I do. Life is weird. Am I right?
Here's to fun times, and not being sad.
xo
HP
I think everybody struggles with self-image, and how we come across to others. Lately I've kind of been in a rut as far as this goes. Which is kind of weird (not really), because I've been feeling better about my self-image with strangers, and at school. I've started to feel more and more comfortable with the style of art that I'm making, and the way I dress, and the way I come across to people at school based on all of those things. I'm starting to feel less self-conscious about my blog & my website, which I used to constantly worry didn't look good or professional, or that all of it was boring. (Who gives a care anywho). I've also started feeling less like I'm in the middle of an identity crisis, and that I'll be coming into my twenties this year with a pretty good idea of who I am, and want to be. So all of that is good, because I don't feel as much pressure, and I'm finding it much easier to post here more frequently and more honestly, and life has just started to feel right.
But all of a sudden, as I started realizing all of that was happening, I started feeling crappy within my group of friends, family, and co-workers. The people I'm closer to. It was like my mind realized I didn't have any anxieties at the moment and had to find one. I didn't realize it was happening, until yesterday, but I'll get to that in a minute. Let me try to describe for you what it's like. Although you probably have had similar things happen to you if you are in fact a person. It started with little things, just feeling like nobody liked my suggestions, or anything I had to say within my group of friends, and then feeling left out (even though I wasn't). I started getting anxious DAYS before I had to hang out with people, and freaking out the whole time, mulling over the situation, and how I could avoid seeing people without making this imagined "bad reputation" I had worse (which, I don't think they did or do have). I felt obligated to hang out with people (probably a good thing, because otherwise I might not have any friends left). But I didn't really tell anyone how I was feeling, and also thinking I was really good at hiding it. Which isn't true at all. I was just super sad all the time, and constantly worrying about the smallest things. It takes up a lot of time. It's been a small part of my life for ages, but it got really bad this past summer up until now.
Yesterday, I was just laying in bed being generally depressed and mulling over an upcoming Christmas party that I had totally lost control of my feelings over. Aj came in, and I tried to start telling him how I felt. He sort of already knew everything just from the bits and pieces I was giving away. And then he sat down with me and we had a really long talk about the facts. And how I'm going to have to work on this before I destroy all of my relationships, not to mention myself. I'm feeling much better today, and even have a little bit of hope for the Christmas season which I had all but lost as of yesterday. I am glad to have had a bit of outside perspective- someone to tell me that I'm not as annoying as I think I am, and that I have valid opinions (even if we don't agree). And that, along with understanding what was happening to me made it a lot easier to avoid when I woke up this morning, and hopefully for the rest of my life.
Aj said something to the affect of - I would be sad if this was happening to one of my friends, and I wouldn't let my friends feel this way without affirming them, and working through it with them, so why would I let myself become this pitiful heap of tears. My goal for the Christmas break, is to be more confident in my interactions with others (especially those I love), and to take on a more optimistic outlook, because apparently my current outlook is kind of depressing and lame. Plus I think life will be a little more fun if I do. Life is weird. Am I right?
Here's to fun times, and not being sad.
xo
HP
